you wont fucking believe this. last night i was talking about my birthday and my stepdad was all 'courtney this year your mother and i have decided to give you a joint birthday and christmas present'. it fucking sucks. my birthday is on christmas day and THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS. my mum always used to say that i was the best christmas present she ever got, but then a couple of years ago she got a juicemaker and she doesn't say that anymore.

so i turn 15 on christmas day, and i wanted to have a party or at least a birthday inner but everyones always busy. alyson and harley said they might try to come over on boxing day but i dont know, its not the same.

so i always get crappy christmas AND birthday presents, which soooo doesnt add up to two seperate presents. it fucking sucks.

here's a poem i wrote, that kind of is about that but also kind of about something else. i wrote it last night:

Seasonal Duality
competing with the season
is the reason for the pain
never given my chance to shine
the star on the tree is brighter than my need
so in the background i stay
like a forgotten gift touched upon once
then dismissed and forgotten
they see my pain as if its santa clause
disollutioned and fake
never given my chance to shine
like the christmas lights twinkling their lies
because another was born this day
thousands of years ago, well that is what they all say.
because of a lie i am overlooked
because of corperate greed i am overlook
because of consumerism i am overlooked
once more this season, i am overlooked.

fin.

note: i had a bit about christmas ham and turkey, because im a vegeatarian, but i cut it because i think it still needs some work and it was getting too long.

my weekend sucked. harley and alyson both went to greenday and jimmy eat world and my chemical romance and i couldnt because i didnt get a ticket. my asshole stepdad told my mum that $91 was too much money for a ticket. i said what about getting one for my birthday and he was all 'is your birthday on the 17th?' (when the concert was) and i was all 'no but it can be an early birthday present' and he said no and that all the moshing might be dangrous and he's just such a dick.

so today alyson and harley were all like 'omg it was the coolest concert ever' and alyson kept saying billy joe looked really cute and they kept singing jimmy eat world songs and it made me so angry i said 'you guys are so fucking insensitive, you know how much i wanted to go' and i ran off to the toilet and stayed there for about ten minutes but i didnt have my ipod so i got kind of bored. but im still pretty angry at harley becuase he didnt come after me and see if i was ok. i spent the rest of the day avoiding them. if none of them call me tonight to see if im ok i'll wear a bandage on my wrist when i meet up with them tomorrow. sometimes i cut myself a little bit but oly on my arm, like not on my vains or anything. but its just a good way to get out some anger or depression or stuff.

so anyway my birthday is next week and i turn 15 but ill say more about that later. and im on school holidays now which is good but a little boring so far we'll see.

Some people are such dicks. like i got these two coments on the weekend right, and they were both from anonomys chickenshit assholes. here's one:

perhaps you should spend some time talking to a counsellor instead of updating your blog

As if i need a councellor. like this one time i went to the schools councellor though because my best friend at the time had anerexia and also insomnia, and she kept telling me about it so i went to the councellor to see if they could talk to her.

our councellors name was mrs freeman. i think she was a lesbian but im not predjudiced. anyway she was kind of a bitch, and accused my friend of faking it, and said she wouldn't see her unless my friend went there herself. so i told my friend about it and she cried and then she didnt eat for like three days and didnt sleep either, she said. so that's what good councellor's do.

also, i dont have any problems so i dont need one. my life is shit because of school and my stepdad but there is nothing i can do about that. thats why i write my poetry, its like an outlet for my pain. it helps. my cousin who goes to uni said its called cathetersis.

so heres another coment:


Yo courtney..
why dont you have pictures of yourself on here...
not that i would think you are cute..just so next time i am near dangerfield and maybe see you buying the latest trend like a exploited t shirt i can laugh at you....
god i hope this page is a joke...seriously...stabidy stab stab stab???? pffff


what an asshole looser. like, i am going to get a picture of me as soon as alyson lets me use her dads digital camera and then i can get her to email me the picture. so i have a picture coming.

and the fact that i like dangerfeild shows that i am NOT being exploited by trends like those loosers who go to jay jays or jeans went or whatever.

dangerfield is alternative, it doesnt conform to the cookie cutter trends of all the fucking pop music wannabes and jocks out there. it is all for originality and celebrating different styles and stuff. they dont exploit body image like other place's, they are the one originel voice in fashion. that's why i shop there, asshole, its so i can be different to conformists like YOU.

last night me harley and alyson were meant to go to harleys place and watch videos. but he got grounded coz mrs krive called his mum and told her he wagged last tuesday. so instead alyson and i bottleskimmed from her parents bar. its a good way to get drunk, like you fill up a water bottle with a little bit from each alcohole so they cant tell that bits are gone. so we filled up half a bottle and went for a walk to the park to drink it.

we got pretty drunk and i told her about this blog. when we got back to her place she had a look at it. she said it was pretty cool, but then she was all, 'but no one reads it and there arent any comments except from you're sister's slag friend so whats the point?' and i was all 'well it doesnt matter if people dont read it, anyway some people read it, and anyway its more just for me to get what i feel out there you know?' and she understood. so that was cool. but then my stepdad called her house and he was so pissed because i hadnt told him that i was sleeping over i just told him i was going out and he said your 14 you cant just go out whenever and i said im going to be 15 in less than a month and he said thats not the point and i said well what can you do? your not my real dad you cant ground me and he said yes i can come home right away and i said no but then alysons parents said theyd drive me home becase it was for the best. so i spent the night in me and my brothers room. luckily i sobered up by the time my stepdad called but hes just such a dick sometimes. now im grounded for the weekend but sucked in to him i got the last laugh anyway because i wasnt even doing anything this weekend anyway.